My Mother’s Love by Ahnah Katsis

Category Archives: open adoption

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My Mother’s Love by Ahnah Katsis

If you were not able to read my previous post about my adoption story, then let me give you a brief overview. I was adopted as a baby and have a great relationship with my birth mom. She got married when I was only 3 and she and her husband have 6 children together. My next half-biological sibling is 5 years younger than me. My birth mom has always been involved in my life and has always accepted me into hers. I grew up knowing my biological siblings and have watched them grow up too.

Two questions I have answered multiple times before:

“Why did your birth mom place you for adoption but kept all her other kids?”

and

“Do you feel like she doesn’t love you as much as she loves her other kids?”

Growing up I have never had that feeling. My birth mom has always made it a point to let me know that she does love me as much as her other children. She was just not able to care for me the way she would want to and the way that she can now care for her other children. When I look at the bigger picture I know that is 100% the case. My birth mom was 16, living on her own in a different state, not married, unemployed and really just surviving.

I love my life and I am thankful for the life that God gave me. People still ask me when they see that I am with her or going to her house and it doesn’t phase me at all. I know the answer to those questions. I tell people as much as I can, but someone who hasn’t been adopted doesn’t fully understand what it really feels like. I get it.

How can one understand what it feels like to be placed for adoption and grow up knowing that she “kept” her other children and not me? It’s very hard to wrap your head around. As for me, it has never been a question that I specifically need answered because of the love she has shown for me and the love of my parents. I cannot answer that question for other kids who have been placed for adoption, and I would never want to put words into their mouths. After speaking to people that I know who have been in similar situations, they all say that their parents are the best people ever and they are happy with the decision of being adopted by them. It obviously depends on the person and the situation, but all-in-all, I believe that Crisis Pregnancy Outreach (CPO) does an amazing job of finding really good people to adopt the children and we all know that.

I decided to ask my birth mom a hard question relating to this…

“Do you ever feel the guilt of giving up one of your children for adoption and keeping your other children?”

Here is her answer…

“No. I was in a different place mentally. Maturity and stability were not where I was, if that makes sense. Always knowing you and being allowed to be involved in your life from the beginning helped relieve guilt. I was married when I had all my other children, and with him and his family I had people that were able to help. If it had been a closed adoption, I believe I would have felt more guilt and sadness, always wondering about you.”

A welcomed family connection

After reading her response, I believe it kind of gives you some insight as to what the birth moms have felt. She used the word “allowed” which I think is kind of hard to think about because it can have a negative side to it. I think a better word is “welcomed”. My birth mom had the opportunity to not be in my life as much as she was, but she made the decision to be in my life and my parents were more than happy to let her. She also said the same thing about the fact that when she had her other children she was married and had the help she needed, whereas when she was pregnant and had me she didn’t have that.

I wouldn’t have the same thoughts if it was a closed adoption. Always wondering who she was or where I came from. I feel like my opinions and answers to the questions would not be the same. Not so much feeling guilt, but feeling like she really didn’t want me. CPO does an amazing job with open adoptions and keeping the family and birth moms connected!

I’m Proud of You

My name is Ahnah Katsis and I am 23 years old. I was adopted at birth and have always known my birth mom for as long as I can remember. My parents have always been very open and willing to answer any questions I have had about my adoption. My birth mom has also been the same way. I have many memories about growing up and my birth mom being there. From her wedding when I was 3, to my kindergarten graduation, to countless sleepovers at her house, many birthday parties, my high school graduation and just random times of showing up at her house just to hang out with her and her kids. I have never not felt welcomed by her and also knew I had a place in her heart as well as her other biological children. I have always loved her and felt loved by her and never felt like she “gave me up”. Being adopted has really changed my life and a lot of my friends’ lives. I have been telling my story for as long as I can remember and in a way have been educating my friends about adoption also and now they can tell my story and educate others.

My story is not like a lot of other adopted kids’ stories though. Even though many other children (especially who were adopted through CPO) have open adoptions, my story of having a very close and personal relationship with my birth mom is rare. An example is my brother who was also adopted through CPO and has an open adoption with his birthmother, refers to her as “Miss so&so” rather than just her first name like I do mine. Another example is a very close friend of mine who was adopted through CPO not long after me, has a very rough relationship with her birth mom that has caused her a lot of pain and sadness in her life.

The relationship I have with my birth mom is definitely more of a friend relationship than a parent-child relationship. I have always been able to talk to her and address her like a friend. She also has never tried to punish me or told me what I’m doing is wrong. I feel as if she has always shown respect to my parents in that way. As I have gotten older and experienced life a little more and found out who I really am, I have been more open to talking to her about those things. For instance with school. I went to 3 colleges before dropping out and when I felt the guilt from that, I talked to her about it and she reassured me that she was never a big fan of school either. It was nice because we had something in common and it was good to hear that it was not just me who felt like this. Another thing is the depression that I have gone through. I talked to her about it just to maybe get an answer as to why I was going through it. She told me that it ran in the family, she didn’t have it, but her mom did and that is probably why I have it. It is nice having this relationship with her because even though we don’t have all the answers, I can find out a little more about myself that I might have never gotten the chance to know.

I never really went through a period of thinking my birth mom didn’t want me. She always reassured me that that was not the case. My parents also made sure to let me know. I’ve always understood that what she went through was very hard and she was so young and could not take care of a baby and that she specifically picked out my parents to raise me. Now at my age, I can not even begin to imagine what she went through when she found out she was pregnant. And how she made the adult decision to look for other options because she knew she was not capable at that time to raise a baby. I don’t know if people who have not been associated with adoption know what it is really like to have to go through something like that. Like I said, as I’ve gotten older I have really tried to put myself in her shoes and really understand what she went through, not because I felt like it wasn’t the right decision, but more so to understand how much of a grownup decision she had to make at 16 years old with not much support in her life.

I am thankful every single day for my parents. They are the best people I have ever met in my life. I am the oldest of 8 kids, us older 3 were adopted through CPO, the middle 2 are biological, and the younger 3 are adopted through foster care. Both of my parents have the most selfless hearts. They have helped so many people in their lives and continue to do it everyday. If were being honest, my mom still helps me make decisions and helps me through things and I’m 23 years old. She doesn’t have to, but that is the type of person she is. She really puts everyone before herself and it shows. My dad is the same way. I literally could not think of better people to be my parents and I am not only thankful to God, but also my birth mom because she found the exact right people to place me with. It has not only helped me, but it has also helped her. I have never told her personally but if there were four words I could tell her that really show my genuine love for her is “I’m proud of you”. I don’t know if she’s heard that at all and I don’t know how it feels hearing it from the child that she placed for adoption, but I really am proud of her. Making that decision had to have been one of the hardest decisions of her life and it really means the world to me that she made that decision not only for me but also for herself and stayed to tell me about it.

My Baby Brother

Written by Ashley Conklin

Hi, my name is Aiden. I have a little sister. I love her very much. We do EVERYTHING together. I used to live with my mom AND my dad. I love my parents a lot. We used to live in an apartment together. We were so happy. Well most of the time we were happy. Sometimes my dad would drink this bad smelling stuff. When he did, he would get very loud and scary. Sometimes he would hurt my mom. I would be so scared and hug my little sister and tell her everything would be okay. I didn’t know if it would be okay or not. But I knew I was happy living with my parents, so I believed everything would be okay.

Then one time my dad drank too much of the smelly stuff and tried to hurt my mom and me. It was very scary. I still loved my dad, but he no longer lived with us. I missed my dad a lot. I loved him. But it was nice not being scared by him.

I still got to see my dad, this made me and my sister very happy. My mom would work a lot, so I missed her a lot. My dad would also work a lot. I missed him too. I I loved them both. He still drinks the smelly stuff, but not as much. He is just gone a lot. That is okay. I get to spend time with my other family when I am at my dad’s. It was cool. I had a grandma who watched me when my dad worked. I had also had another grandma who watched me when my mom worked. I wish they did not work so much. I missed them a lot.

One day, when I came back from my dad’s, my mom said she had a baby in her tummy. I was happy. I loved babies. I loved my little sister a lot, and was excited for a new baby. But mommy said this baby was special. He was going to answer a prayer for another family. I was confused and sad. What was a prayer I asked? My mom says sometimes a family cannot have another baby. And this makes them sad. So they pray to God, to bring them a baby. But why can’t God let us keep this baby I asked. I was sad. Did God care if it made me sad? My mom was also sad, I could tell she was crying. This made me really sad. I was mad at God for making us sad. I wanted to know why.

Mom gave me a kiss, and said I love this baby too. I Love you and your little sister a lot also. But I work so much for food, clothes, toys, and everything else. I prayed for an answer. I want to be home and play with you two but with another baby I would have to work more and more. This would make us all very sad. Mom told me she loved me and missed me too! I love her, but I was still sad. She told me that a different family will raise my baby brother. That way mom can spend time with us and not work ALL the time. Thinking about mom gone all the time made me sad also. I was still very sad. Mom told me this family was very special. And this baby will make them very happy. They loved us very much for helping them get a baby. Mom said this is called an open adoption.

I was less sad now and asked what an open adoption was. Mom told me it is when a family takes a baby home with them that grew in another mom’s belly. Mom pointed to her belly and said this baby is growing in my tummy, but it will go home to a different family. This is called an adoption. This made me sad again thinking about the baby going home with another family.

I wanted the baby to be my brother. I asked mom again why he can not come home with us.

Mom reminded me that she has to work a lot for money. We need money for food, clothes, toys, and everything else. If we had another baby. Mom will have to work even more. Mom said remember I will have to work all the time. And I love you, I miss you when you work. I told mom I love her too and that I also missed her when she works. I didn’t want her to work all the time.

I was happy this baby was making another family happy. But I was still sad about the adoption. Mom was still sad too. I now knew what an adoption was. An adoption is when a baby grows in the belly of a mom, but then goes home to a different family. This still made me sad. But it made the other family very happy. And it means mom will not have to work all the time. Knowing mom will still play with me made me happy. I asked mom if I can still see the baby.

Mom said yes! This is an open adoption, that means we will still see him, and sometimes we will go places together like the park. And we will get photos of him. And he will learn our names. This made me really happy. I really like babies and even though this baby was going to this special family. He will still be my brother.

Now when people ask me how many brothers and sisters I have. I tell them about my little sister, who is always with me. And I get to tell them about my special baby brother who was adopted by a special family. I still sometimes miss him.

But when I do, he comes to the park and plays with me!

CPO Makes Families BIG!

Families come in many shapes and sizes. For this, I am grateful. Twenty years ago when I started thinking about having my own family, I never knew how big and beautiful it would become.

I became pregnant with Hank in 2002. He was born in March of 2003. He was 5 weeks early and we were both pretty sick. I had never heard of the HELLP syndrome, but I had it and the only way to fix it is to have the baby. Therefore, I had a preemie. (Hank was soon thriving and is now a healthy, happy 16 year old.)

In 2007, we decided we wanted to add to our family, but knew that pregnancy could be risky. So, we found CPO. That summer, we got a “drop in”. His name is Barrett. His birth parents weren’t in a place to parent, so I woke up one day a mother of one child and by 10 that morning, I had two boys!!

A year later, those same two birth parents had another baby boy. Eli was lovingly placed with the Hisey family. We wondered how we would navigate these waters, but both of our families knew that we wanted the boys to have a relationship since they were biological brothers. It was fun to watch these two boys. We made it a point to get them together at least a couple of times a year. We knew then that Eli and Barrett would have an incredible bond that we wanted to nurture and support. We also agreed that our other children should be considered family as well. We didn’t want to leave anyone out.

A few years later, the same two birth parents had another baby. It was a boy, Dax, and he was placed with the Hisey family too. So Barrett had another brother. We were thrilled. Again, we would get these boys together and talk about the way their eyes crinkled up and shined when they smiled or how that had the same “duck tail” on the back of their hair. I loved having this for Barrett. And for Hank.

A few years later, Abigail was born. Same birth parents. We couldn’t believe that we had a sister. She was placed with the Domer’s and we were all immediately smitten. When she was a baby, we would say she looked like Barrett with a bow in her hair!!

Today, we live in Tulsa, the Hiseys are in Enid and the Domers are in Broken Arrow. I would love to say that we see each other all of the time, but you know how life is. School, sports, church, families, etc make schedules complicated. But, I will tell you that my heart holds not only Hank and Barrett, but also the Hisey and Domer children.

Barrett loves having his younger siblings. In our house, he is the baby. But, with his biological siblings, he’s the big brother.

When Barrett was “graduating” from elementary school, all of the 5th graders were interviewed for a supplement for the year book. Some of the questions included favorite color, nickname, etc. But, I was speechless when I saw his answer to the question about siblings. He said, “ I’ve got two biological brothers, a biological sister, 2 step sisters and a brother. “ There is so much I love about this. 1. His biological family is always in his heart. 2. Hank is just that, his brother. 3. He is proud of his diverse family. It may not be like his friends, but it’s his and he’s happy.

At the end of the day, I have a really big, beautiful family. We pray for each other, celebrate each other and love each other. We know that our children have something really special that we want to honor. We are so grateful that these birth parents chose life and chose us. It’s all a great big blessing from God that gave us a wonderful, big family.

Birth Mother’s Day

Did you know that there is a special day set aside to celebrate birth mothers and their incredible sacrifices? Birth mothers are crucial in every adoption story, and deserve a day of celebration.

Around the world, Birth Mother’s Day is celebrated the Saturday before Mother’s Day. This year, that will fall on May 11th. On that day, adoptive families everywhere will take time out of their day to remember, acknowledge, and celebrate their children’s birth mothers.

At Crisis Pregnancy Outreach, we have an annual celebration of Birth Mother’s Day the week before, so this year our celebration will be on May 4. The adoptive families will join their birth mothers and have a delicious meal in honor of the women we love so dearly. Then, birth mothers will be treated to a day of pampering including massages, manicures, and makeovers. To top it all off, we have several professional photographers who will have areas set up and take portraits in whatever configuration the birth mother desires.

It is a very important day, and we here at CPO hope you will take the time to honor your birth mother every year. Make plans to see her, give her a call. Send flowers, have your child draw her a picture from the heart. Let her know how much you love her and appreciate her gift to your family.

Why Our Family Chose CPO

Today’s blog is written by Kelsey Grant, a waiting adoptive mother.

In the early spring of 2017, our family was knee-deep (more like in-over-our-heads!) in adoption research. Matt and I had always hoped that adoption would be part of our family’s story, and the circumstances were finally right for us to take the first steps. Our spreadsheets were bulging with information aboutvarious agencies, requirements, pricing structures, etc. Then, per a recommendation from a friend, I submitted an email inquiry to the CPO website requesting more details about their adoption services. I predicted that it was long shot – the page indicated that CPO was only accepting applications from Native American families living in Oklahoma. Since neither of us have Native American heritage, and we had recently relocated to St. Louis for Matt’s job, we already had two strikes against us. However, much to my pleasant surprise, I got a very friendly response from Kate a few days later. (Little did we know that Kate would go on to mentor our family throughout our entire adoption journey! I love how God uses these unexpected and divine introductions.) In the end, we decided that CPO was the agency toward which The Lord was leading us; and we were so grateful when it was determined that they could accept our application afterall. Now, nearly two years later, we are increasingly confident that CPO is the place for us, and we’d love to share why!

1. Adoptee & Birth Family Focused

First and foremost, CPO serves families in practical and thoughtful ways. Many agencies provide similar services like counseling, but CPO goes above and beyond in the care they give, especially to mothers. During pregnancy, an expectant mom (whether she plans to make an adoption plan or parent her child) can receive transportation to her medical appointments, maternity clothes, and childbirth classes. If the mother would like a coach during delivery, a doula will be there to act as her advocate and cheerleader. After the baby arrives, critical things like weekly support groups, legal counsel, and even a transitional house are also available. Did I mention these wonderful services are all completely free of charge?! CPO is truly a ministry, living out the love of Jesus on a daily basis to meet needs in situations where people are most vulnerable.

2. Openness!

In adoption language “openness” refers to the level of contact between all members of the adoption – birth families, adoptees, and adoptive families. Openness is a wide spectrum that can fluctuate over time. It can range from exchanging periodic photos or letters, to celebrating special occasions together, and even family trips where everyone is invited! Matt and I agree with the research that says openness is the best possible avenuefor addressing both the pain and the joy that adoption encompasses. CPO has always been at the forefront of birth mother directed openness, and we deeply appreciate the heart of reciprocal trust that they encourage. Other agencies seemed to want us to “tick boxes” for what we were looking for in a child and his or her life circumstances. It was so refreshing to learn that at CPO, the birth mom is in total control of whom she wants to consider as potential parents for her child. Though we haven’t yet met the woman who will choose us, one of our greatest prayers is that she would know how much we honor her because of the respect she will first receive from CPO. CPO believes inproviding families for babies, and not babies for families, whichshows exactly where their priorities lie.

3. The Dollars Make Sense

Perhaps the most daunting piece of the adoption puzzle is figuring out the financial hurdles. As we researched our options, Matt and I struggled with the numbers. We didn’t think we could even afford the home study to get started, let alone the thousands of dollars that were often required to officially “sign up” with a particular agency. Once again, the generosity of CPO as an organization and the selflessness of its members came to the forefront as we learned that every single person who “works” there is actually a volunteer. This translates to lower overhead costs, allowing CPO to keep its adoption fees at roughly half (and sometimes a third) of the cost of other agencies we were considering. What a relief! Not only can we trust the motivations of each volunteer, but we also didn’t have to resort to incurring debt to make this dream a reality. For a pair of overly-analytical people who prefer to plan ahead and account for contingencies, this decision was a no brainer. We have still relied heavily on our loved ones and on God’s miraculous provision to help us chart a path forward, but the mountain we faced was significantly smaller than it could have otherwise been.

One of the most beautiful things about adoption is how God uses ordinary people who have been brought together by extraordinary circumstances to display His beautiful love and grace. Though our family’s story is still waiting to be written in many ways, we are already thankful for the chapter CPO hasbegun. From whatever perspective you are exploring adoption,our wish would be that CPO helps you find the answers you need, just as it has for us.

– Kelsey, Matt, & Brooks

Navigating Transracial Adoption

written by Jenni Hutchins

When Kobi Redman’s now teenage daughter was 5, her brown-skinned girl looked up at her and asked “When will my skin turn white like yours, Mommy?” Kobi and her husband, James, became a CPO adoptive family 18 years ago when there was not a long list for adopting a non-Caucasian child. “We believed God gave us this gift of these babies, so we wanted to accept whomever God gave us,” explains Kobi. Their first two girls are Caucasian; their third and fourth are African American.

The Redman Family

Today, the number of families open to adopting any race has greatly increased. Rhonda Fisher adopted her daughter of mixed descent five years ago and says, “Adoption has changed so much over the years. There is no longer a clear expectation of how a family has to look.”

The Fisher Family

Along with the other unknowns of adoption, transracial adoption comes with its own list of unique concerns: How will having different color skinned parents or siblings affect my child at school? Will our extended family accept a child of a different race? How will I manage hair that is a different texture than my own? Kobi’s family deals with these concerns like all families do: one at a time and as they naturally arise. “Raising children comes with challenges no matter your skin color,“ says Kobi. “When race issues arise, we discuss them open and honestly with our teenagers and look for resources that in turn help us all.”
Preserving the child’s cultural heritage is important to transracial families. CPO adoptive parents can look to birth parents, siblings and their extended families as relationship opportunities through which their children learn to appreciate the color of their own skin. These relationships also serve as safe, valuable resources for the parents to ask questions about hair, history and culture. “Having a wonderful relationship with my daughter’s African American birth mom has been an amazing resource for me. I get her perspective and assistance on so many topics,” says Kobi.
Adoptive parents also look for mentors at church, at school and in their social group to help their children see a reflection of their skin color in others around them. Maddie McCoy, who is Caucasian and adopted her African American daughter three years ago says, “We work to create diversity in our daughter’s life through her birth family, church, books, dolls, and toys. We moved to a more diverse neighborhood so we would be in a more diverse school district. She is too young to notice the color difference yet, but I want diversity set up in her life so she grows up surrounded by different colors.”

The McCoy Family

More than anything, Rhonda says, “I want my daughter to appreciate all the shades, and believe not one shade is superior.” When her daughter began asking questions about her skin color difference, Rhonda explained the science of melanin and how its quantity determines the color of your skin. She reads books to her daughter and shows her photos of women with similar melanin levels explaining, “You are always going to be this beautiful color you are.”
These parents are navigating the issues society has created revolving around skin color. Sometimes they get looks or questions, but these families spend the majority of their days not noticing their color differences, but instead, laughing, loving, and caring for each other.
Rhonda simplifies her transracial adoption this way, “A child doesn’t have to look like you for you to be their parent.”

Volunteers Matter: Marlita Camacho

Crisis Pregnancy Outreach has been 100% run by volunteers since its inception more than 30 years ago. No one has ever received a salary, which enables CPO to make an even bigger difference in the lives of Tulsa area women. We know that volunteers matter, and to honor them we periodically interview and highlight one of our volunteers. This week we hear from an extremely dedicated volunteer, Marlita Camacho.

Q: How do you volunteer with CPO?
A: I am a doula (professional labor support) and I assist Cheryl with birthmoms.

Q: How long have you been volunteering with us?
A: I have been a doula with CPO for 14 years, and an assistant for about 3 years.

Q: How did you find out about CPO?
A: I’m embarrassed to say it was for selfish reasons, but I was looking for ways to further my doula training by attending births.

Q: Why did you choose to volunteer with CPO vs. other organizations? What is it about crisis pregnancies that drew you to us?
A: The neat thing is I started attending births, but quickly realized what an amazing ministry opportunity it was. I get to walk through a really emotional time with these girls, laugh with them, cry with them. I get to be with them when they may not have a good support system.

Q: Why is our cause so close to your heart?
A: I’m passionate about birth, but I’m also passionate about being the hands and feet of Jesus. If these girls feel the love of Jesus through me, then I’m doing my part.

Q: What have you learned about yourself since volunteering?
A: I’ve learned that there’s always a way to make time. Your schedule may be busy, but if an opportunity comes up to minister to a woman in crisis, there’s always a way.

Q: How have you seen God’s hand at work in the ministry of CPO?
A: Wow. That’s a deep question. I think I’ve got the best volunteer opportunity at CPO, because I get to witness miracles. The miracle of life. The gift of a birth mother choosing life for her child, whether she plans on parenting or she is making an adoption plan. I get the privilege of witnessing families being made through open adoption.

Q: What would you say to anyone considering becoming involved in CPO?
A: Do it! Make time to make a difference in someone’s life. Make yourself available to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Choose to love on someone who may never have felt His love.

Retro CPO: Letter from a Birth Mother

Each month we will feature a “retro” CPO article, one that is pulled from our archives of quarterly newsletters. Whenever possible we will provide details regarding the author and date of publication.
This month’s Retro CPO article is actually a letter to Cheryl, written by a birth mother in winter of 2009.

Dear Cheryl,

I just wanted to let you know that I am soooo thankful for you and CPO. Samantha’s adoptive mom, Teri, encouraged me to share this with you.
I am a member of this one website for moms, and a group I just recently joined is for birth mothers. It is horrible! So far, all these women are so filled with pain and remorse. I can hardly stand to be on there for very long.
I have always known that CPO was different from the rest, but it has just recently sunk in just how different it is. I don’t think any of these women have any support other than this website. It’s almost like they were abandoned after they made their adoption plans. They are left alone to deal with this life-altering choice. Many are now hollow, and feel robbed. It’s just beyond words.
I just can’t help but feel that if they had the support like CPO offers they would be able to heal. it has opened my eyes a lot and given me a whole new appreciation for CPO. I am seriously thinking of un-joining that group. I really joined hoping I could help someone see that there is life after adoption, and that you an heal. However, to them, if you are not bitter, empty, and full of remorse, you’re in denial.
I am so thankful that you care so much about us girls.

With love,
Nancy

cpo-8

Have Fun for a Great Cause!

CPO’s Super Hero Run

CPO's Super Hero Run

In case we haven’t mentioned it enough, CPO’s Super Hero Run is now only days away!

Check out this post for more information on how you can participate, volunteer, or sponsor!

Create a team, join someone else’s team, participate individually, or volunteer. And be sure to dress up!! No matter how you get involved at this year’s run: It is sure to be blast!